Notable Notes:

• Team confidence gets a friggin mega Z-.  Based on the enthuaism before the game Im suprised the team even showed up.  Geez, it was like they were about to play the Braves or something instead of another team of law students.  Get it together nard-gobblers, confidence kills.

• Taylor Muffbumper gets a mega A+ for the game winning hit, which I had total confidence in.  I looked in his eyes and I saw the look.  You know what Im talking about, fellas. The look that says “Man, Im gonna win it right here, right now” and also “Man, its like friggin 1030 at night and I want to go to bed”.  Whatever, he totally jimmy-jacked it. 
• Chase gets two thumbs up for being the inspiration for Dr. Demento’s timeless classic “The Monster Mash”.  Needless to say his play was a graveyard smash.  And you know that shit caught on in a flash.
• The Hamburgler gets a million respect points for continuing to make fun of the other team in the middle of an eight walk, nine run final inning.  He knew the beat down stick was gonna be brought back out for the bottom of the ninth (or third or whatever).
• Charles gets a lot respect points for not screwing up at first base at all like this whole season, which is crazy.  First base is hard as balls.  He also loses some respect points looking genuinely piss-pants worried about batting at the end of the game.  Whatever, pants can be washed but you never forget the time you went 2-4 for the softball season.  And he also fell over first base for like the millionth straight game, which is always hilarious.
• Richard gets a million worry points from me for looking like he was seriously about to pass out for the last half of the game.  Whatever, he monster mashed.
• Ben Grant apparently had better things to do that to drive an hour to play a softball game at 1030 that was probably going to be rained out anyway.  Way to take one for the team.  I heard he was knitting with Bikoff.  Whatever, they both get C-s.  Everybody passes the class today.
• Ian Rennie had his first game without an error or an injury.  Way to go nardbag, suck it up.
• Charles Wills, uh yeah, that was an awesome triple.  As soon as he got there fans started getting up so they would miss the traffic, because everyone in the house knew that game was over.
• Horkin, you know that was a sweet catch to end that inning, very sweet.  Plus, nothing hit him in the head, which I know feels good.
• Kirbo, I cant really remember anything except that he looked very imposing taking practice swings.  And was for the first time ever NOT a good kid.  He was GREAT kid.  You did it buddy, you did the unthinkable.
• Slime-Bone, no errors!  Yeah!  Thats what Im talking about baby. Do they sell menthol victory cigars?  Gross.
• Will Thompson, some tough balls in the last inning but all-around well played game.  Solid play to end the rally.  Looked VERY good while doing his thing, which is all that matters to him anyway, hot-dogger.  He knows he is better than all of us at everything anyway, so he can take it.  
• Jennifer Pope, tentative C-.  We have our suspicions you were going for the other team.  “Hey, 0-10 just pulled off the greatest upset in like 200 years, but I’m gonna go hang out with the losing team”.  Thats like being a fan for the Japanese team in Bad News Bear’s Go to Japan, they were supposed to win, so whats the fun?  Japanese people never win at sports anyway, so now you know.  You have some serious making up to do if you want to get that up to a B.  You can pretty much count out Softball Law Review unless you make some SERIOUS changes.  This is all dependant on whether or not The Bad News Bears Go To Japan is a real movie.  If it is, C-.  If it isnt, B.  Someone do some research.
• Overall the team gets a $+ because an A just wasnt good enough for this effort.  Jennifer, since you went to all the games even you are included in that, so enjoy your dollar sign. For now.

 I don’t feel like the team deserves grades either.  I will leave it at this: if the entire team was actually drunk during the last inning, I give you an A+.  If not, then the team gets a L-.  An L- isn’t as bad as Bikoff’s Q- but its still really friggin shitty.  Now get your asses in line before the playoffs.

Will Thompson:  Will is good to have on the team because every team needs a villian for opposing fans to hate, and people sure love to hate Will.  It does, however, require a level of talent for people to hate you, so I suppose Will isnt that bad.  I don’t remember Will making too many mistakes, which is a positive for him.  I do remember one game where he should have caught a hit and he didnt and it went into the outfield and I totally blew it and I ended up looking like the asshole.  What a load of BS.  All my friends who know a lot about baseball said it was really selfish of him not to catch it and putting the blame on me.  Unfortunatly most of the people who saw dont know shit about baseball and they all think it was my fault.  Not that I care or anything.  Whatever…. Grade: C+ 

Chase Scott: Chase has been an enigma for this team.  Some games he doesn’t suck that bad and other days he sucks.  Its really frustrating.  For some reason Chase is a fan favorite, which doesnt make sense because he has the charisma of a pancake.  He can barely speak English for God’s sake.  All he has to say is “Suftbull hez been bery bery good to me” in broken English and all the fans go crazy.  Load of BS if you ask me.  Chase can hit it very far and sometimes people dont catch it, which is very exciting. Grade: C- (and you dont deserve that)

Ben Grant: Ben is the glue that holds this team together.  We say that because he is very clingy.  I mean the kid calls me to hang out like 10 times a day and gets all emotional when I have something to do.  Chase told me he has abandonment issues, which I guess I can sympathize with.  I also have loneliness issues.   Maybe we can work through this together, Ben.   Fielding has been solid, good instincts.  Grade: B-

David Beekoff: Dave quit the team and we replaced him with a scarecrow wearing an Ole Miss shirt.  Suprisingly enough we immediatly started to see more production out of right field.  You know whats most surprising about that? The scarecrow can’t even friggin move!  And its wearing a friggin Ole Miss shirt!  Sly move by our Manager Charles Griffin.  I suppose he has more in common with Bobby Cox than just physical appearance.  Grade: Q-

Charles Griffen: As I stated above, Charles has been a shrewd manager.  He has a real hands off approach which is great for the team because it gives us a lot of freedom to play like we like.  The hands off approach works especially well for John Kirbo because he doesnt react well to other men touching him.  Ben Grant on the other hand could probably use the attention.  Can’t win em’ all, coach.  Grade: C+

Slime Dawg: Slimey has been pretty important for our team.  He does a lot of great things.  Insert empty comments about Matt later….Grade: B-

Reynold Kosek: I think this quote sums up his role on the team best, “Mr. Rennie quit saying IT! IT IT IT! You have a bad case of IT-itis right now and it needs to stop.  If you don’t stop saying that I dont want to hear you talk anymore”.  Thanks Rey-Rey.  Grade: A+

Ian Rennie: Wow, where to start.  He brings so much to the team.  Like errors.  Lots of errors.  Grade: D+

Richard Phillips: Any season other than this one and the The Missing Link would have wrapped up the award for Player Everyone Thought Might Really, Really Suck But Is Actually Not Really That Bad.  However, there is another player on the team that has really surpassed our expectations of sucking.  Interestingly enough this would be Richard’s second PETMRRSBIANRTB award since I met him.  The first was for excellence in plastics knowledge.  Way to go, asshole.  Grade: C+

John Kirbo: Bad kid? Nope.  OK kid? For sure.  Good kid?  I think that is pretty much accepted at this point.  Great kid?  Thats a possiblity.  Best kid?  Thats a little strong.  So he falls somewhere in between a good kid and a great kid.  Good for you.  Grade: G+ (for Good/Great Kid)

Taylor Bustmuster: My favorite for that award that I talked about earlier.  Man, that homerun was awesome.  Totally jealous.   He really needs to work with Will to make sure no balls get by them into the outfield because I end up looking like an idiot because of their mistakes.  Not cool guys.  A couple of hotdoggers more concerned with their own spotlight than the team.  Lets work on that.  Grade: B-

Port-Dawg: The Hamburgler snuck onto the diamond during the Cardozo game and stole a hamburger, and by hamburger I mean win, and we all ate our fill.  Delicous.  Needs to work on his hugging of teammates.  A lot of people question his loyalty because of the aforementioned lack of hugs.  But hey, no one’s  perfect.  Grade: A-

Horkin: I havent played with Horkin in like a week so I forget how he has played for the most part but I remember him not being too terrible before.  Hip-Hip-Hoorah! I wish I had four thumbs so I could give those titties four thumb downs. I mean give his play four thumbs up.  Grade: C

Charles Wills: All I remember of Charles during the season was that he played firstbase in the last game and didnt screw up hardly at all.  Since I can’t think of anything Im just going to make up a generic baseball story about him. So me and Charlie were warming up for a game one time and he bet me he could throw a ball from homeplate to the homerun ditch. I said no way and went out to the ditch to check to see if he could make it. He barely even threw it into the outfield. So I came back and said “Haha, I win the bet”. He just shrugged his shoulders and admitted defeat. He got the last laugh though because he stole my keys and threw them down a drain later during the game. What a dick. Grade: C

If you have a problem with this, write a comment.  Or kick Chase in the nard because all the mean stuff was his fault.

Hello?

Hi, is this 0-10?

Um, yes, it is.

Is your refrigrierator runnning?

No, its broken.

Yeah, just like your team, assholes.

After tonight’s game, someone from the other team called and said that to me.  Talk about poor sports.  After the game it felt like Martin Gramatica field goal kicked my nard so far it went past the homerun ditch at the softball field.  I felt like Mustbuster hit a homerun right into my nugget-pouch.  Im just really confused right now.  I feel like Ghost Dad’s kids after they found out Bill Cosby’s cab drove off that bridge.  I think Im going to call Interactive Male to find a male in Macon who is sexy.  And smart.  Sexy and Smart!  Starting to feel better…

Notable Notes:

• Richard totally was pretty good.  He had a huge hit in the last inning that would have been important if anyone else did anything afterwards.  Way to go everyone else.  He also did an And 1 Mix Tape Tour style 360 during a outfield catch.
• Ian Rennie received the MVB (Most Valuable Ballah) as well as the MONPBB award (Most Obviously Never Played BaseBall).  He had two intensly powerful hits that made some panties seriously wet, as well as a killer hustle single.  Also, there was a rumor that Chase built a time machine and brought back 1957 Willie Mays for an inning. Oh wait…Ian Rennie made that catch?  Dang.  There was also a rumor that Ian had four errors, which may or may not have been true.  Or it may have been five. We aren’t hear to judge, only praise.
• Ian also had an enormous dip in the whole game that gave John Kruk a hard-on. Even the other team complimented it. It was like the size of one of the gumballs you get from the quarter machine that costs two quarters, huge!
• We had a run in with some carnies left over from the Cherry Blossom Festival but it turned out to just be Matt and Matt’s beard.  Phew!
• Port-Dawg the Hamburgler struck someone out in the last inning, which is always hilarious.  That was pretty close to counting for a win.
• Chase looked gorgeous.
• Kirbo was a really good kid for a while, but then he got a little sassy when he played the short outfielder.  But he still was a good kid, who am I kidding.
• One shining moment we reached for the top!
• It didn’t work out.

Hopefully more to come about this later….

Hello?

Um, hi.  Is this 0 and 10?

Yes it is, may I ask who is calling?

A winning streak.

Thats right, the team is on their first winning streak, baby!  What a game on Wednesday!  It was like a roller coaster I couldn’t get off even if I wanted to.  But wayyy more exciting than The Ninja or even The Mindbender.  Lets just say they could of made an entire movie about how dramatic the game was and this is what the poster would look like…

Both teams gave up about a million walks each, which was nice.  A lot of our team doesn’t exactly enjoy running, so it was great just to walk around the bases.  On the flipside we also gave up a shitbox full of walks which was excellent because it gave us a second to recharge our batteries on defense.

Mustbuster’s JimmyJack? Dannnnnnnnnnnnggg, crushed.  “The Body” lived up to his nickname and crushed the rawhide halfway to Conyers, which I hear is pretty far away.  Probably my favorite moment of the game.

Ian Rennie’s catch to end the game was pretty much off the ridiculous charts.  It was like something out of a friggin fictional story or something.  But way sweeter and it was a work off non-fiction.

Tricky Dick’s slide into home was totally sweet, although I suspect he simply fell down into the plate at the perfect moment.  Either way it was totally awesome and he got a sweet rasberry on his leg.  Lucky.

I think the MVP of the game didnt even play.  He was our waiter at Johnny’s Pizza.  He totally screwed up every part of our order so that some people didnt get what they wanted and other people got their slice of pizza upgraded to an entire pizza for free.  But he really made the push for the MVP when we were ordering.  Jen ordered a “hand tossed” pizza to which Matt replied “a hand job?!” which was decently funny.  But then our waiter asked Jen if she wanted a tossed salad too.  Oh man, it was like the funniest thing I had ever heard, I was going crazy. 

All in all I give the game an A- because it was pretty exciting.  I give the team a C because we had like a million errors and we got a significant amount of our runs because of walks.  But I liked our hustle and you cant teach that shit, even if Reynold Kosek himself taught it.

Here is another artist’s rendition of the win….Double Click Here

In news outside of the diamond Will Thompson and John Kirbo both missed the game because they were arrested for excessive lack of team spirit.  Although it was disapointing not to have them, it ended up being a win-win situation.  The rest of the team won the game without them and Will and Kirbo each got matching prison tat’s.

The game was neck and neck for most of the game and on its way to becoming a classic battle.  The chess match lasted until the bottom of the second where the other team scored 11 runs.  Some players say the game was 13-8 but Im pretty sure it was 13-3.  I may have missed a couple runs while reading Richardson v. Ham.  Haven’t read it?  Great case, especially if you like the idea of drunk guys letting a bulldozer loose and having it crash into a town a mile away.  Great case…

Notable notes:

Ian Rennie missed the game with a potential abdominal strain.  Doctors reported it was simply menstrual cramping so he shouldn’t miss the next game.  Phew…!

Bikoff didnt strike out, which he was very excited about.

Chase somehow began running backwards at one point on his way to first, which was wierd.  He also may have been the only person to hit it out of the outfield, so that was pretty exciting.

I heard Will Thompson spent the whole game hot-dogging around and that hurt team moral.

I got Bikoff’s autograph in the dugout and sold it on ebay.  It fetched a shilling.

I heard a rumor that Charles tried to trade Mustbuster and Ben Grant to the other team for their left fielder.  Good move by Charles because you always go quality over quantity.  The deal fell though when the other team pulled out over a contract problem with Mustbuster.  Way to take one for the team Mustbuster.  I heard he cares more about his stats than wins.  Figures.

I also heard that if we win on Wednesday that everyone is getting totally nardbag wasted.  I think Bikoff told me that.

Kirbo was an extremly good kid in the loss, which I thought was good sportsmanship.

Apparently if you call Interactive Male, “You can meet a guy who is sexy.  And smart.  Sexy and smart!”  Awesome… 

Richard scored the first run of the season while somehow avoiding most of the running, which was very exciting.  I did, however, hear that he had an error while calling Interactive Male from the outfield.  Save it for after the game, Dick! 

Port-Dawg looked great in the loss and had one of the gutsiest performances I have seen in my entire life.  Ever.

All in all, I give the team a D+.  Yeah, more like D for fucking Dominant, bitches.

Double click the picture below for full size.

Will Thompson:

Will looked solid again and stood out at third base.  Its pretty hard to throw the softball from third base to first and I don’t really have much confidence in most of our team doing it, so I think its nice to have Will at third.  Me and Port-dawg both agreed that he had a tendancy to “hot dog” it up at times, which might end up being a problem.  After one incident of “hot dogging” I was like “Hey Will, I bet you want to go to Nu-Way after the game since you like hot dogging so much!”  Me and Port-Bone both had a good laugh about that.  Will was very helpful in hitting fly balls for the outfielders, which was nice.  Team Nickname: Gay Gayiken. Grade: B+

 Richard Phillips

It was nice to see Richard show up to play a sport because I had a theory that he was really a nine year old girl.  Nice to be prove us wrong, Phillips.  Richard really impressed everyone by not totally sucking, which means he will probably be a starter.  He was pretty ok at hitting and didnt really screw up too much at fielding.  He had to quit throwing the ball overhand after like 8 seconds because he said his arm hurt, which was weak.  Plus he totally fell on his ass in the infield trying to run like a normal upright human being.  Apparently evolution hasnt quite caught up with Richard.  Team Nickname: The Missing Link.  Grade: C+

Charles Griffin

Charles’s practice was off to a very poor start as he showed up without the water dog.  It took us a little while to get motivated when we realized our best player was gone but we got it together.  I dont remember Charles really doing that much this practice which means that he probably didnt screw up very much, which is good.  One time he caught a ball that I could catch up to, so that was cool but it was kinda weak because he knew that was my ball.  Whatever.  Team Nickname: God’s Gift.  Grade: C+

More below:

John Kirbo

John showed up wicked late to practice today, which was a real problem.  He kind of had an excuse but when we only play for three hours, 30 minutes is a lot of time to miss.  Then John really impressed us with his firstbase skills but then he said he didnt want to play it because of some crybaby BS like the sun hurt his eyes.  Not impressed.  Kirbo did, however, krunk some balls during batting practice, which was cool.  Especially when you consider I was standing right next to him yelling at him about how much he sucked the whole time.  So that was cool.  Team Nickname: Pandora’s Box.  Grade: B

Matt Slimey

Matt basically started the day with a C- after he hurt Charles’s dog, so it was a tough day for him from the get-go.  As usual Matt did a very good job catching fly balls and I dont think he missed any.  Matt did very bad at infield.  I played outfield right behind him and my arm got tired from throwing all the balls he missed to firstbase.  I think Matt batted like like .045, which was terrible.  Plus I think all of the hits he got were actually errors, but we werent keeping official score so I guess they count as hits.  Team Nickname: The Human Wife Beater.  Grade: D+

Tucker Mustbuster

Today was Tucker’s first game and like Richard, he didnt suck too bad so he might be a starter too.  Tucker played pretty decently at shortstop, which is an accomplishment when you have Hot Dog playing third and trying to get every hit this side of second base.  Halfway through practice Tucker lost his shirt and all the ladies were going crazy.  And by ladies I mean creepy Carnies.  Team Nickname: The Body.  Grade: C

Ben Grant

Ben really made some improvements from last practice.  Him and Tucker formed a secondbase-shortstop combo that was not completly horrible, which was pretty awesome.  His hitting was slightly below average, which is exactly what we are looking for in the six spot in the batting order.  Team Nickname: The Chosen One.  Grade: C

Chris Porter:

Port-dawg is exactly what this team needed.   A true softball playa with tons of energy.  His instincts are off the friggin map.  His skillz at firstbase made us all put a little more effort into our own games, which is what you look for in a leader.  He got hit really hard by the last pitch of the game, which was totally hilarious.  Team Nickname: The Hamburgler.  Grade: C+

Ian Rennie

Wow, where to start.  Ian looked amazing today.  You wouldnt even recognize him from the last practice.  He was freshly shaven and his arms were super defined.  People definitly took notice when he took his shirt off and turned into a turban.  In terms of baseball performance Ian continued to solidly suck while continuing to look very good.  I am not going to say who he is competition with, but there is going to be a battle on this team for worst player, and the fans are pumped to see it play out.  Team Nickname: Learned Fist.  Grade: D+

Chase Scott

Chase did a lot better than his D- performance last week.  Chase didnt lay down in the outfield once!!!  Chase did a decent job hitting even though I was totally pissed at him for hitting one over my head, weak!  Chase continued to be a poor leader and probably made Bikoff even worse!  Chase played catcher for a while which was cool because he wants to play it and I totally dont want to.  Chase did leave early which I think made Bikoff think it was ok to not play hard anymore because he looks up to Chase so much.  Team Nickname: Pug Rodrigez.  Grade: C-

 David Bikoff

Where to start?  First of all, I put a lot of Bikoff’s troubles today on the fact that he was super concerned about global warming since it was so hot out and he is a hippy.  He missed some catches in the outfield, which is pretty standard for the Ian Rennie/David Bikoff outfield combo.  I put a lot of thosed missed catches on Chase since he wasnt a good leader for Bikoff.  Bikoff did better than I expected at hitting.  Ian Rennie was a total dick and moved up really close to the infield because he didnt think Bikoff could hit it that far.  So you know what Bikoff does?  He hits it right over that asshole’s head and makes him look like a real nardbag.  That showed heart.  Team Nickname: The Noodle.  Grade: D+

Carnies

As I mentioned early the softball complex was overrun by carnival folk in town for the Cherry Blossom Festival.  On a creepy scale of 1-10 I would give them a combined 9.5 million, since there was like a million of them.  One of them tried to get us to take his take his dog and was stunned when we collectively denied.  I mean the dog was “half labrador, half coon-dog, and has a tiger stripes for good camoflage” which apparently was a selling point.  The carnies, however, get high marks for the fact that they didnt smell like cabbage and they didnt eat any of our pets, which was nice of them.  Although Matt does claim he saw one of them eat one of our softballs.  Team Nickname:  Please dont come around us enough to warrant a team nickname.  Grade: A+.