Because no one really has any idea how long the softball season is, and since we are forfeiting the game tonight, I thought it was time for a midseason report card! Some players have played really hard and other’s haven’t totally sucked and it’s time for them to be rewarded. And yes, Chase Scott, your parents do have to sign your report card and bring it back to me.
Will Thompson: Will is good to have on the team because every team needs a villian for opposing fans to hate, and people sure love to hate Will. It does, however, require a level of talent for people to hate you, so I suppose Will isnt that bad. I don’t remember Will making too many mistakes, which is a positive for him. I do remember one game where he should have caught a hit and he didnt and it went into the outfield and I totally blew it and I ended up looking like the asshole. What a load of BS. All my friends who know a lot about baseball said it was really selfish of him not to catch it and putting the blame on me. Unfortunatly most of the people who saw dont know shit about baseball and they all think it was my fault. Not that I care or anything. Whatever…. Grade: C+
Chase Scott: Chase has been an enigma for this team. Some games he doesn’t suck that bad and other days he sucks. Its really frustrating. For some reason Chase is a fan favorite, which doesnt make sense because he has the charisma of a pancake. He can barely speak English for God’s sake. All he has to say is “Suftbull hez been bery bery good to me” in broken English and all the fans go crazy. Load of BS if you ask me. Chase can hit it very far and sometimes people dont catch it, which is very exciting. Grade: C- (and you dont deserve that)
Ben Grant: Ben is the glue that holds this team together. We say that because he is very clingy. I mean the kid calls me to hang out like 10 times a day and gets all emotional when I have something to do. Chase told me he has abandonment issues, which I guess I can sympathize with. I also have loneliness issues. Maybe we can work through this together, Ben. Fielding has been solid, good instincts. Grade: B-
David Beekoff: Dave quit the team and we replaced him with a scarecrow wearing an Ole Miss shirt. Suprisingly enough we immediatly started to see more production out of right field. You know whats most surprising about that? The scarecrow can’t even friggin move! And its wearing a friggin Ole Miss shirt! Sly move by our Manager Charles Griffin. I suppose he has more in common with Bobby Cox than just physical appearance. Grade: Q-
Charles Griffen: As I stated above, Charles has been a shrewd manager. He has a real hands off approach which is great for the team because it gives us a lot of freedom to play like we like. The hands off approach works especially well for John Kirbo because he doesnt react well to other men touching him. Ben Grant on the other hand could probably use the attention. Can’t win em’ all, coach. Grade: C+
Slime Dawg: Slimey has been pretty important for our team. He does a lot of great things. Insert empty comments about Matt later….Grade: B-
Reynold Kosek: I think this quote sums up his role on the team best, “Mr. Rennie quit saying IT! IT IT IT! You have a bad case of IT-itis right now and it needs to stop. If you don’t stop saying that I dont want to hear you talk anymore”. Thanks Rey-Rey. Grade: A+
Ian Rennie: Wow, where to start. He brings so much to the team. Like errors. Lots of errors. Grade: D+
Richard Phillips: Any season other than this one and the The Missing Link would have wrapped up the award for Player Everyone Thought Might Really, Really Suck But Is Actually Not Really That Bad. However, there is another player on the team that has really surpassed our expectations of sucking. Interestingly enough this would be Richard’s second PETMRRSBIANRTB award since I met him. The first was for excellence in plastics knowledge. Way to go, asshole. Grade: C+
John Kirbo: Bad kid? Nope. OK kid? For sure. Good kid? I think that is pretty much accepted at this point. Great kid? Thats a possiblity. Best kid? Thats a little strong. So he falls somewhere in between a good kid and a great kid. Good for you. Grade: G+ (for Good/Great Kid)
Taylor Bustmuster: My favorite for that award that I talked about earlier. Man, that homerun was awesome. Totally jealous. He really needs to work with Will to make sure no balls get by them into the outfield because I end up looking like an idiot because of their mistakes. Not cool guys. A couple of hotdoggers more concerned with their own spotlight than the team. Lets work on that. Grade: B-
Port-Dawg: The Hamburgler snuck onto the diamond during the Cardozo game and stole a hamburger, and by hamburger I mean win, and we all ate our fill. Delicous. Needs to work on his hugging of teammates. A lot of people question his loyalty because of the aforementioned lack of hugs. But hey, no one’s perfect. Grade: A-
Horkin: I havent played with Horkin in like a week so I forget how he has played for the most part but I remember him not being too terrible before. Hip-Hip-Hoorah! I wish I had four thumbs so I could give those titties four thumb downs. I mean give his play four thumbs up. Grade: C
Charles Wills: All I remember of Charles during the season was that he played firstbase in the last game and didnt screw up hardly at all. Since I can’t think of anything Im just going to make up a generic baseball story about him. So me and Charlie were warming up for a game one time and he bet me he could throw a ball from homeplate to the homerun ditch. I said no way and went out to the ditch to check to see if he could make it. He barely even threw it into the outfield. So I came back and said “Haha, I win the bet”. He just shrugged his shoulders and admitted defeat. He got the last laugh though because he stole my keys and threw them down a drain later during the game. What a dick. Grade: C
If you have a problem with this, write a comment. Or kick Chase in the nard because all the mean stuff was his fault.
