Must…..BUSTED!

Oh man, what a sweet game.  Totally friggin sweet.  It was like the end of the friggin Bad New Bears or something.  They did win, right? Actually, I think they lost that game to the Yankees team that was coached by the mean dad that slapped his son on the mound.  Whatever, its like the end of The Bad News Bears 2 when they play in the Astrodome and beat that team from Japan. Actually, I think the Japanese team was at the end of The Bad News Bears Go To Japan.  That was an actual movie, right?  Whatever, that win was totally sweet.  Way sweeter than those shitty Bad News Bears.

Notable Notes:

• Team confidence gets a friggin mega Z-.  Based on the enthuaism before the game Im suprised the team even showed up.  Geez, it was like they were about to play the Braves or something instead of another team of law students.  Get it together nard-gobblers, confidence kills.

Two Words…. Shit Sandwich.

There isn’t a whole lot to say about our last game.  All I’m gonna say is that I know for certain that one player spent the entire game drinking peppermint schnaps.  The real question is who else was drunk during the last inning?  I have some very suspicous suspects, but I’m not going to name names until I have more evidence. 

 I don’t feel like the team deserves grades either.  I will leave it at this: if the entire team was actually drunk during the last inning, I give you an A+.  If not, then the team gets a L-.  An L- isn’t as bad as Bikoff’s Q- but its still really friggin shitty.  Now get your asses in line before the playoffs.

Being a Widow Must Suck…

So anyway, like I said earlier was a watchin’ some Lost Boys and I noticed something interesting.  Being a widow must suck.  The mom was totally this old, lonely chick who would totally go out with any dude who would pay attention to her.  She might not have been a widow, maybe she just got divorced.  Either way, she is manless.  So anyway, when you get really old and have a kid and you dont have a man you pretty much will take anything.  This lady was like 45 and kind of ugly so it was like double hard.  So anyway she starts going out with this total nardbad nerd but she totally likes him because she doesnt have anything else going on.  It was bad enough that she was getting her panties in a knot because of some nerd but they she found out he was actually the lead vampire.  Who was trying to turn her kids into vampires.  And she still wanted his garbage.  Are you kidding me?  Old single moms must have it tough.  I guess its the same for dudes.  I remember in Sleepless in Seattle that Tom Hanks’s wife died and he just had his kid and he wanted to meet someone so he starts online dating some girl who he doesnt even know from some other city.  I mean it turned out to be Meg Ryan so that was cool because she used to be hot but it almost doesnt count because they met online, which is totally weak.  Actually think I mixed up Sleepless in Seattle with Youve Got Mail.  And I’m not sure if I ever actually saw those movies past the commercials.  Hmmm….. just something to think about.  Anyway, Im never gonna get married because I dont want to be a widow and I want time to catch giant fish.  Below is a picture of a guy catching a giant gar, I hope to catch a fish that big one day.

Keifer Southernland Is a Vampire

Me and my friends were watching The Lost Boys today.  Its pretty awesome.  I like Corey Haim and Corey Feldman when they are in the same movie.  Haim is kind of a tool but Feldman is consistantly awesome.  Anyway the movie is about teenage vampires in California.  Anyway, Keifer Southernland is like the lead vampire and is the main villian.  So from the movie I learned that vampires live forever.  During the 80s I had a theory that Kether Southerland was a vampire.  Like really a vampire, not a vampire as a fictional character.  Anyway, I forgot about this theory until today and then I realized something spectacular.  I watched the first couple seasons of 24 and Southerman’s character did all kinds of crazy stuff but he never dies.  Maybe this because Kether Southernman is actually a vampire.  Hmmmmmm?  I found a picture online that really supports my theory.  Double click mine picture if thy darest…..

Softball Midseason Report

Because no one really has any idea how long the softball season is, and since we are forfeiting the game tonight, I thought it was time for a midseason report card!  Some players have played really hard and other’s haven’t totally sucked and it’s time for them to be rewarded.  And yes, Chase Scott, your parents do have to sign your report card and bring it back to me.

Will Thompson:  Will is good to have on the team because every team needs a villian for opposing fans to hate, and people sure love to hate Will.  It does, however, require a level of talent for people to hate you, so I suppose Will isnt that bad.  I don’t remember Will making too many mistakes, which is a positive for him.  I do remember one game where he should have caught a hit and he didnt and it went into the outfield and I totally blew it and I ended up looking like the asshole.  What a load of BS.  All my friends who know a lot about baseball said it was really selfish of him not to catch it and putting the blame on me.  Unfortunatly most of the people who saw dont know shit about baseball and they all think it was my fault.  Not that I care or anything.  Whatever…. Grade: C+ 

Softball Game Review #2

Rrrring!  Rrrring!

Hello?

Hi, is this 0-10?

Um, yes, it is.

Is your refrigrierator runnning?

No, its broken.

Yeah, just like your team, assholes.

After tonight’s game, someone from the other team called and said that to me.  Talk about poor sports.  After the game it felt like Martin Gramatica field goal kicked my nard so far it went past the homerun ditch at the softball field.  I felt like Mustbuster hit a homerun right into my nugget-pouch.  Im just really confused right now.  I feel like Ghost Dad’s kids after they found out Bill Cosby’s cab drove off that bridge.  I think Im going to call Interactive Male to find a male in Macon who is sexy.  And smart.  Sexy and Smart!  Starting to feel better…

Notable Notes:

• Richard totally was pretty good.  He had a huge hit in the last inning that would have been important if anyone else did anything afterwards.  Way to go everyone else.  He also did an And 1 Mix Tape Tour style 360 during a outfield catch.
• Ian Rennie received the MVB (Most Valuable Ballah) as well as the MONPBB award (Most Obviously Never Played BaseBall).  He had two intensly powerful hits that made some panties seriously wet, as well as a killer hustle single.  Also, there was a rumor that Chase built a time machine and brought back 1957 Willie Mays for an inning. Oh wait…Ian Rennie made that catch?  Dang.  There was also a rumor that Ian had four errors, which may or may not have been true.  Or it may have been five. We aren’t hear to judge, only praise.
• Ian also had an enormous dip in the whole game that gave John Kruk a hard-on. Even the other team complimented it. It was like the size of one of the gumballs you get from the quarter machine that costs two quarters, huge!
• We had a run in with some carnies left over from the Cherry Blossom Festival but it turned out to just be Matt and Matt’s beard.  Phew!
• Port-Dawg the Hamburgler struck someone out in the last inning, which is always hilarious.  That was pretty close to counting for a win.
• Chase looked gorgeous.
• Kirbo was a really good kid for a while, but then he got a little sassy when he played the short outfielder.  But he still was a good kid, who am I kidding.
• One shining moment we reached for the top!
• It didn’t work out.

Hopefully more to come about this later….

Softball Game Review #2

RING, RING…

Hello?

Um, hi.  Is this 0 and 10?

Yes it is, may I ask who is calling?

A winning streak.

Thats right, the team is on their first winning streak, baby!  What a game on Wednesday!  It was like a roller coaster I couldn’t get off even if I wanted to.  But wayyy more exciting than The Ninja or even The Mindbender.  Lets just say they could of made an entire movie about how dramatic the game was and this is what the poster would look like…

Softball Game Review March 28

Spring time is upon us and its time for softball season to begin.  Reminds me of my youth when I would trot out to the local fields to play slow pitch softball with no infield, no outfield fence against a bunch of out of shape law students with an ambulance waiting near by.  Ok, I suppose things are a little different now.  It was, however, a fresh season and the team went into opening day ready for a championship season.  The main problem came when the other team actually had players who had played baseball after 1994, which sucked.

Softball Practice Review 3/14

Today the softball team had our second practice and the team is starting to sort itself out.  For the first time Chris Porter, Tucker Mostetler and Richard Phillips showed up so we were able to put an entire team in the field, which was nice.  Tucker, Port-Dawg and Richy all get F-’s for the first practice since they didnt show up.  Thats the precendent Im setting now: if you dont show up, you get an F-.  Or if you hurt Charles’s water dog, which was absent, likely because Matt would probably have just stepped on it again.  All in all the team looked a little better and players were more disciplined.  Instincts as a whole were very solid.  Which was tough considering there were Carnival folk everywhere.  Here are the grades for this week:

Will Thompson:

Will looked solid again and stood out at third base.  Its pretty hard to throw the softball from third base to first and I don’t really have much confidence in most of our team doing it, so I think its nice to have Will at third.  Me and Port-dawg both agreed that he had a tendancy to “hot dog” it up at times, which might end up being a problem.  After one incident of “hot dogging” I was like “Hey Will, I bet you want to go to Nu-Way after the game since you like hot dogging so much!”  Me and Port-Bone both had a good laugh about that.  Will was very helpful in hitting fly balls for the outfielders, which was nice.  Team Nickname: Gay Gayiken. Grade: B+

 Richard Phillips

It was nice to see Richard show up to play a sport because I had a theory that he was really a nine year old girl.  Nice to be prove us wrong, Phillips.  Richard really impressed everyone by not totally sucking, which means he will probably be a starter.  He was pretty ok at hitting and didnt really screw up too much at fielding.  He had to quit throwing the ball overhand after like 8 seconds because he said his arm hurt, which was weak.  Plus he totally fell on his ass in the infield trying to run like a normal upright human being.  Apparently evolution hasnt quite caught up with Richard.  Team Nickname: The Missing Link.  Grade: C+

Charles Griffin

Charles’s practice was off to a very poor start as he showed up without the water dog.  It took us a little while to get motivated when we realized our best player was gone but we got it together.  I dont remember Charles really doing that much this practice which means that he probably didnt screw up very much, which is good.  One time he caught a ball that I could catch up to, so that was cool but it was kinda weak because he knew that was my ball.  Whatever.  Team Nickname: God’s Gift.  Grade: C+

More below:

I Love a Man in Uniform

Friday night I got to see Eugene Vindman in his uniform.  Two words: Stun-Ing.  He looked very distinguished and much more important than the rest of us.  He said he bought it at the Army-Navy Surplus Store but Im pretty sure he was kidding.  He totally had a ton of medals and decorations which were impressive.  Very impressive.  Plus, his wife was totally cool and not only did she buy me a beer, she bought me a good beer!  A Stella!  So that was pretty awesome.  All in all I give the Vindman’s a 92, which would probably get them on Law Review.  I guess it depends on the curve and how everyone else does.  But I think they will make it.  Below is a photograph of someone in a uniform, its not Eugene but it gives you an idea how how sharp he looked.